Firefly Chickens and Lightbulbs

Shamelessly pirated from the much cleverer and funnier folk over at the IMDB.com and fireflyfans.net message boards:

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Mal: Because the other side of the road was the only place it could live life on its own terms, without being meddled with.
Zoë: Because that’s where the job was, Sir.
Wash: It followed a really hot girl chicken that could kill it with its pinky. Do chickens have pinkies? No? Well I don’t know then.
Jayne: The money was better over there. (mutters) Lousy seven percent...
Kaylee: To meet shiny new chickens and see the sights.
Simon: That’s where the Alliance was hiding its sister.
River: To get to the other side.
Inara: It just suddenly, for no apparent reason, decided to pick up and abandon the luxurious life it had on this side of the road. That’s not odd, is it?
Book: It was a pilgrimage. Wracked with guilt over the atrocities it had committed, the chicken decided to devote the remainder of its life to God in a desperate search for redemption. Just a guess.
Jubal Early: What did you say? Am I a road?
YoSafBrige: Because you were over there, sweetie.
The Operative: The chicken’s motivations are not my concern. Getting it across the road is.
Badger: Why would the chicken cross the road when he can get some other blighter to do it for him?
Niska: So by facing the emotional and physical pain of dodging traffic...we would finally meet the real chicken.
Mingo and Fanty: That's the road, he's the chicken.
Atherton: Money changed hands which means I can tell that chicken to do whatever I want.
Patience: That chicken ain't too bright. Keeps on crossing that road and I damn near own this moon.
Wash: To escape being mistaken for a gosling and juggled.
The Fruity Oaty Bar: To let it blow its mind.
Mr. Universe: Because everything goes somewhere, and the chicken goes everywhere.
Tracey: Because it was trying to smuggle enhanced chicken gizzards.
Gabriel Tam: I don't care why it crossed the road, but if it does it again I am NOT going after it.
Blue Glove Guy: So... you spoke to the chicken?
Doctor in Alliance hospital: Look at this badge; what does it say? It says "Doctor". The chicken does what I tell it to do.
Monty: What do you mean that's not my chicken?
Tracey: When the chicken can't run it crawls, and when it can't crawl...when you can't do that... You find someone to carry your chicken across the road.
Inara: Because it's a believer. It's intelligent, methodical, and devout in its belief that crossing the road is the right thing to do.
Teacher: Because this side of the road could no longer sustain its numbers, they were so many.
Lawrence Dobson: I don't care. You don't think I'll shoot a chicken?
Sheriff Bourne: Don't much know why the chicken would want to cross to this side of the road.
Ruby:
Crow: You keep your chicken.
Elder Gommen: The chicken is our gift to you.
Stitch: You lock me up in a hot box for four years and now you're handing me a chicken?
Rance Burgess: The chicken is mine!
Official Alliance Statement: The Alliance denies any reports of said chicken crossing a road. Said chicken has never existed, and said road is not pedestrian safe.

And now the lightbulbs:
How many Washs does it take to change a light bulb?
One but he dies three quarters of the way through so that you are genuinely afraid for the other characters when they change the bulb.

How many Jaynes does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to try to put it in and another to find a bigger hammer.

How many Books does it take to change a light bulb?
"You know, God said 'Let there be light' but I think true change has to come from within."

How many Kaylees does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb and another to say "Shiny!"

How many Simons does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to clean the new bulb, another to change the bulb and a final one to worry about River having eaten the old bulb in the first place.

How many Inaras does it take to change a light bulb?
None, she's used to working in the dark.

How many Mals does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb and another to tease Inara about it being red.

How many Rivers does it take to change a light bulb?
"I ate a bulb."

How many Washs does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "What this marriage needs is one less light bulb."

How many Inaras does it take to change a light bulb?
"What did I tell you about changing bulbs in my shuttle?"

How many Books does it take to change a light bulb?
"You cannot change a light bulb, it changes you."

How many Simons does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But the boy spent his entire fortune developing the contacts to infiltrate the place.

How many Zoes does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends. "How much ammo do we have left?"

How many Mals does it take to change a light bulb?
"My light bulb don't crash. If she crashes, you crashed her."

How many Kaylees does it take to change a light bulb?
One ... if she crashed it.

How many Rivers does it take to change a light bulb?
There is only one River.

How many Zoes does it take to change a light bulb?
One.